Anger and Forgiveness.
Apr. 3rd, 2013 11:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kv0925Remember the girl from my past who I posted about here? Well. Her grandmother recently passed away and the event apparently tripped some switch where she's now seeking atonement and reconciliation with people. Like my friend, who she essentially used for quite some time and then tossed aside and slandered. And me, because I was around at the time as well, I guess. So it's got me thinking about anger and forgiveness, and what those things mean to me.
I'm not really an angry person by nature. I try not to dwell on negativity in general, and I try to just let things go. And really, I'm not even mad at HER for anything, at least on my own behalf. The main thing I remain mad about is that she was able to play me for information--and for that I'm more mad at myself than at her. I should have ignored her IM (as I'm doing right now, as a matter of fact!) and given her nothing. I don't think I even gave her anything vital, or anything she didn't already know (or strongly suspect). But I played her game, and I played into her hands in some small way, and I still fault myself for that.
Another.. well, I guess you could call it a philosophy of mine is that I generally expect very little from others. I think it was either Socrates or Confucius who said, "He who expects much from himself and little from others will be secure from much ill will." I live by those words, and would add 'disappointment' as well. So when someone does let me down or misuse me, I tend to write them off and forget them, insofar as possible. Not really forget, of course, because there are always lessons to be learned for the future. But in general, a person who majorly disappoints me or disrespects me is just no longer a part of my life, and doesn't much cross my mind anymore.
So here's this girl today, asking for forgiveness. And I'm at a little bit of a loss. Because while forgiveness is generally my natural impulse, it doesn't really mean much where she is concerned. Like I said, I'm not really mad at her for anything on my own behalf because I expected no better from her--I expected better of myself, though. I remain peeved at her for the torment she put our mutual friend through--though that friend now (rather stupidly, in my opinion) seems perfectly willing to accept her apology and act like everything is hunky-dory between them again. She hasn't been a part of my life in any major way since the Way Back When. So sure, I can and do forgive her, but what does that really mean here? Does it mean I want her back in my life somehow? Not at all. Does it mean I want her to feel absolved of whatever sins against me she feels she's committed? Doesn't much matter to me either way.
She finally gave up trying to IM. I suppose I appreciate the effort. Always nice to be thought of, isn't it? Maybe she'll see this and it can serve as my response. Good enough?
I'm not really an angry person by nature. I try not to dwell on negativity in general, and I try to just let things go. And really, I'm not even mad at HER for anything, at least on my own behalf. The main thing I remain mad about is that she was able to play me for information--and for that I'm more mad at myself than at her. I should have ignored her IM (as I'm doing right now, as a matter of fact!) and given her nothing. I don't think I even gave her anything vital, or anything she didn't already know (or strongly suspect). But I played her game, and I played into her hands in some small way, and I still fault myself for that.
Another.. well, I guess you could call it a philosophy of mine is that I generally expect very little from others. I think it was either Socrates or Confucius who said, "He who expects much from himself and little from others will be secure from much ill will." I live by those words, and would add 'disappointment' as well. So when someone does let me down or misuse me, I tend to write them off and forget them, insofar as possible. Not really forget, of course, because there are always lessons to be learned for the future. But in general, a person who majorly disappoints me or disrespects me is just no longer a part of my life, and doesn't much cross my mind anymore.
So here's this girl today, asking for forgiveness. And I'm at a little bit of a loss. Because while forgiveness is generally my natural impulse, it doesn't really mean much where she is concerned. Like I said, I'm not really mad at her for anything on my own behalf because I expected no better from her--I expected better of myself, though. I remain peeved at her for the torment she put our mutual friend through--though that friend now (rather stupidly, in my opinion) seems perfectly willing to accept her apology and act like everything is hunky-dory between them again. She hasn't been a part of my life in any major way since the Way Back When. So sure, I can and do forgive her, but what does that really mean here? Does it mean I want her back in my life somehow? Not at all. Does it mean I want her to feel absolved of whatever sins against me she feels she's committed? Doesn't much matter to me either way.
She finally gave up trying to IM. I suppose I appreciate the effort. Always nice to be thought of, isn't it? Maybe she'll see this and it can serve as my response. Good enough?
