Regrets, I've had a few.

[kv0925]

I'd read this before, but came across it again today and felt like Ctrl-V'ing it here. It's a good reminder of what matters, and some good things to keep in mind, I think. I'm gonna bold the parts that resonate with me.

The top 5 regrets of the dying, as reported by a palliative nurse:

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

I definitely try to keep #2 in mind--one of my mantras is that no one reaches their death-bed wishing that they'd spent more time at the office. But it's good to keep the others in mind too, especially the bits about daring to be yourself--follow your dreams, express your emotions, and decide to be happy. I know it's not always easy; certainly those are not the signs leading to the path of least resistance, as I well know. But in this modern era of convenience, instant-gratification, and First-World Problems, we all have a choice--many choices, in fact--about what to do with our time and what sort of person we want to make ourselves: what sort of life we want to choose to lead. I'd like to make more of a habit consciously thinking about those choices, and maybe how to make better, braver decisions from time to time.

Comments

[vinterhjerter.livejournal.com]

These are wonderful reminders. The first one really resonates with me at the moment - many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. It's the kind of thing you know, on some level, but I've never really felt it to be true before. I recently saw my father who struggles with depression, and while I have been there to some extent and know that depression is not something you choose, seeing how absolutely set he is on not letting anything good into his life, it really made me determined that I will not end up like that. I have a choice to act differently and choosing happiness.

#3 also, I am trying to get better at that. And #1. All of them are good. ;)

[cp.livejournal.com]

I thought so too! Definitely worth thinking about, and I think many are things that people generally DON'T think about, you know?

I don't want to short-change the effects of neurochemical imbalances that cause depression and whatnot, but I really think most people get depressed just because they're bored, and because they choose not to be happy. Every minute, everything that happens presents a choice in how to take it. Every day there are things we could decide to do to increase our happiness. I just think a lot of people don't realize that, and don't make those choices. But anyway.

I'd say #3 is my greatest weakness among these--I'm so conflict-avoidant that I really do go along to get along, as they say. I don't like to make waves, and I don't like to create awkward situations, so I'll bite my tongue rather than say what I feel or ask for what I want. I'm not so sure it's a trade-off that's worth making, though, and this helps to reinforce that!

[vinterhjerter.livejournal.com]

Yeah, #3 is definitely an issue for me too, I think we are quite similar there. Most of the time I am happy to go along with things just to keep the peace, but I think the key is to recognize and being able to speak up about those situations that are actually important to you.

And re. depression, I don't know. I think boredom could certainly be a factor in many instances, but I also think depression is about a lot more than just being unhappy. For myself, I associate depression more with a feeling of exasperation than unhappiness or sadness, and I know that feelings of being powerless or lacking control (whether imagined or real) of my own life or situations over longer periods of time is a recurring theme. But it still ties in with this list in a way, as it kind of comes back to being more mindful and aware in ones life and knowing that we all have the power to control our paths. Or something. ;)

[cp.livejournal.com]

The way I look at it, in an evolutionary sense our brains haven't changed all that much in the past few thousand years--we're still wired for surviving in a world where our main concerns were catching/killing our next meal, dealing with the realities of surviving out in the elements, and avoiding getting killed by other people who wanted our resources. Without all that stuff to occupy us, I suspect our brains start dwelling on stuff that really doesn't matter--First-World Problems, in other words. I'm babbling and have no real point here. I guess i'm just saying that while I certainly acknowledge the role of neurochemistry in all this, I think a lot of it just comes down to our brains creating their own struggles in the face of a lack of REAL, life-or-death problems. :)

[thethornbird.livejournal.com]

I identify with all of these. Yes. :/

[cp.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of people would, if they took any time to think about it. I definitely think it's good stuff to keep in mind. :)

[liquidmistletoe.livejournal.com]

I love this, thank you for these little reminders. I think No. 4 and No. 3 are the two I struggle with the most. I don't have many friends, and I hold the ones I do have very dear to me. But even with them, I sometimes find myself just sinking into a sandpit of solitude - it's important to note that I do not mean loneliness, but simply being alone - and ignoring almost everybody because doing hobbies/activities/whatever by myself is preferable to me, and I find myself losing touch with people. This reminds me that I have to make a concerted effort to maintain the relationships in my life. It's easy to forget that friendships, like a relationship, take work.

And No. 3, I find difficult for the very reason that is in bold - to keep peace with others. I am such a people pleaser, and I don't want to ever step on toes or cause ripples. I make fun of myself a lot and say that I might as well tattoo "Welcome" on my face because I am SUCH a people pleaser that not only do I let people walk all over me, sometimes I VOLUNTEER to be walked over! It's silly and I find myself in that position quite a bit because I just want other people to be happy, and I forget that I need to be happy too.

Love this list!

[cp.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it! I just think all of these are things that are so important to keep in mind, because not only are they things that we're likely to regret as we get older, they're things that can really change the way we're living RIGHT NOW, you know? I'm a total doormat too, and really I'm okay with that because usually it's not worth the battle that would otherwise be involved. But now and then I look back and see times when I really should have stood up for myself or my family instead of grinning and bearing it. I need to do better at recognizing those occasions when they occur and making a different decision. :)